In 2017 I was a senior at a Catholic high school in Portland, Maine. Like many seventeen-year-old girls, I was extremely–and I mean extremely–emotional. A note to the reader: If your future daughter has “I’ll Be Good” by Jaymes Young on full blast in her room for more than three consecutive days, I suggest you give her a hug, tell her to keep up the writing, and assure her that all will be okay in time. I digress. Unlike the common angsty teenage girl I spared my parents the rage-filled outburst or slammed doors, choosing instead to spill my heavy little heart into my journal, on scrap paper, or in this case, a short story assignment given to me by my English IV teacher, Mr. Dalvet. (Sorry you took the heat on this one, Dalvet).
Since 2017, my short story “Pilla” has been a piece I come across once every year or so, whenever I feel the angsty seventeen-year-old Annabella rise up in my now twenty-four-year-old self and decide to go down a Google Docs rabbit hole. It’s always a reminder of the, oh so wonderful, turbulent time we call adolescence and how I found my solace through writing and creating. Now, in 2024, as I reflect on those years, I realize how much they shaped the woman I am today. That senior-year Bella wrote some pretty hard-hitting stuff that can now serve as advice, even seven years later.
Here’s “Pilla,” a glimpse into my seventeen-year-old mind, the one who inspires me to continue to spill my heavy little heart, except now onto a 2019 MacBook Pro for you and the rest of the world to read. 🙂
——————————————————————————————
Annabella Manago
Dalvet
English IV
March 4, 2017
Pilla
Based on the painting San Fransisco Silverspot Butterfly by Andy Warhol, found in Volume XXXIIII, p. 862, of The Dictionary of Art
“Why the hell is this so difficult?” I mumbled, “CAT-ER-PILL-AR”. I looked down at my youngest sister Eva fondling the new picture book Mom had bought her yesterday. She glanced up at me through her long eyelashes to reveal her innocent, pale blue eyes. I pointed at the picture again, “Caterpillar.”
“Pilla.” She giggled for what seemed like the 20th time.
“Okay that’s it.” I wasn’t in the mood. The word was caterpillar: C-A-T-E-R-P-I-L-L-A-R. It wasn’t “kitty”, or “cadi” or “pilla”. Eva was almost two and a half. Pronouncing words was usually a piece of cake for her. My dad and I even taught her how to sound out the word “superficial” a couple weeks ago. The word caterpillar had been a work in progress for about 4 days and “pilla” had gotten pretty old pretty fast. To strengthen the lesson Mom got her a book about a little caterpillar that would eventually bloom into a butterfly. She was pretending to be littler than she was and it was time to cut the crap. She needed to grow up.
Eva continued to pat the page with her tiny hands making up a tune to go with her new word “pilla”. She turned a couple pages to reveal the beautiful butterfly at the end of the book and stopped her singing.
“Me” She said pointing at the picture, “that me!” She glazed her tiny palm over the bright purple, yellow, and red speckled insect. The page was strewn with abstract messy lines accompanied with shades of violet and light blue. She was captivated by the fact that a tiny green caterpillar could change into such a beautiful saturated being. Tapping the antennae she looked up at me with her fingers on her head wiggling them the way a butterfly would.
She was cute, but I had places to be. I let out an impatient breath while standing up to walk away but was stopped immediately by sudden wailing.
“Oh my god.” I rolled my eyes and picked her up and she instantly ceased her crying.
“Aaaadam!” Eva tittered in my ear while grabbing hold of my hair. She patted my cheeks and grinned widely as I hoisted her up on my hip.
“What’s this all about?” Mom walked in from the kitchen with outstretched arms to grab Eva. Eva jumped from my arms into hers as I explained why she started crying. “Oh I see.” She nodded while bouncing Eva. “I think we should have them add “pilla” into the dictionary, don’t you think Eva?”
“Yes yes yes!” Eva giggled and hugged mom.
“My baby girl’s getting so big,” Mom said reluctantly as she bounced Eva, “I’m about to put a brick on your head so you stop growing so quick!” Eva shook her head in disagreement.
“Baby!” Yelled Eva.
“No Eva, you’re two.” I said holding the peace sign infront of her face “You are two years old, and the word is caterpillar.”
“Pilla” She smirked as she now knew it annoyed me. I rolled my eyes.
“We want you to stay as little for as long as you can baby girl.” Mom said lovingly to Eva. “You’ll be an adult before you know it!” She chuckled to herself.
“Right ok, Mom I’m gonna head out.” I told her looking down at my phone. “I told James I’d be there in ten, like fifteen minutes ago.”
“Alright baby give me a hug.” She put Ava down and pulled me into a tight embrace. “Be safe okay? I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” She was still holding onto me. I let out an impatient breath and pulled away.
“Will do.” I backed away and smiled. She trustingly blew me a kiss followed by a friendly wave as I walked away.
“Tell James I say congrats on Notre Dame!” She yelled out at me as I closed the door behind me.
Notre Dame…Damn
~
How the hell did we make it here? I wondered, slumped on my best friend’s couch. I had a Coors in one hand and was twirling a tiny graduation hat decoration with the other. I was surrounded by friends, enemies, strangers, athletes, future sorority girls, and kids who spent their free time playing Dungeons and Dragons. Yet, they all seemed to blend together. No one gave a shit anymore. We were all graduating, and this was it. We were leaving, moving on, moving out, growing up and I couldn’t wait.
My daze was suddenly interrupted as James’ obnoxious “flirtatious voice” rang in my ear. My friends around me all seemed to be chuckling at something he said and I missed it.
“Aw come on girl, live a little.” Said James as he glazed his fingers over the tank top strap of the girl receiving his flirtation efforts. “This is a graduation party… We’re basically all adults now. Grow up a bit.” He looked over at all of us for what seemed like support and we laughed right on cue.
“James stop it, what the hell.” The girl defensively backed away with her friends. We all laughed as James mocked her response.
“Aw leaving so soon?” I asked innocently as they continued to walk away. My friends followed my comment with more supportive laughter.
“So immature.” Said the girl’s friend as they stormed away.
“Sooooooo immature.” Jeered James.
We all laughed together and waved at them as they turned around with frustrated faces and irritated looks.
The rest of the party was a blast. Hours later the night slowed down as the music mellowed and everyone made their ways out the door. James and the rest of my buds and I laughed until our stomachs hurt over the dumbest of things. I was sure gonna miss these kids, but it was time to move on.
~
How was it moving day already? The three hour drive to U of I seemed to fly past as my mind raced with excitement. This was it. I was finally out of the prison I called home, and I was out on my own. I said goodbye to my sobbing mom, stoic father, and baby sister Eva and went on my way. This was my time now. Eighteen years old, free as a bird, and it was about damn time I let myself learn to fly.
Later that day after I had settled in and got all of my belongings into my dorm I was introduced to my new roommate’s friends from high school. None of my friends followed me to U of I, but it was nice to see a group that still had each other. They were all so cool, I especially liked this kid Michael; he seemed like he could have been the main kid in the group but I couldn’t ever tell.
“Hey dude,” Michael pulled me aside. “Today marks our day of freedom man, and I wanna celebrate.” He gave me a smirk. “My sister’s a senior and I know a shit ton of upperclassmen, I wanna hit up this party this weekend it’s gonna be crazy.”
“I’m so down.” I told him with a laugh. This was going to be awesome. I was finally free to do whatever I wanted, and go wherever I wanted. This was me growing up.
Syllabus week flew by quickly as we were all stoked for the weekend. After downing a good amount of a handle of Svedka and a couple of beers with my new friends we walked to the house where the party was. Michael really wasn’t exaggerating when he said there were going to be a ton of people there. We got in, fooled around, met some people and drank a whole lot. It felt like a scene straight out of one of those cliché college movies.
Michael had been eyeing this girl dancing with her friends who clearly seemed to be messed up. He walked over to her, and I followed.
“Hey girls!” He said with a charming smile.
“Hey!” They all yelled over the music in sync.
He started flirting with the girl and her friend as the rest of his buds followed him almost instinctively. We drank, we danced, and drank some more as the music seemed to get louder and louder. Michael gave one of his friends a look as he took the girl’s hand and led her through everyone dancing. We all laughed and followed him as he guided the bouncing girl down the hallway and through a door to a secluded room.
“Hey! Whatcha doin?” She slurred drunkenly. Everyone laughed as Michael pushed her forcefully on the bed. “Stop that, you’re dealing with a lady.” She began to stand, but he wouldn’t let her. “Hey!” She tried to swat his hands away, but they stayed planted on her shoulders.
“Guys come on.” I let out a nervous laugh.
“What?” One of Michael’s friends stood up in my face, “What Adam?”
I could smell the liquor on his breath as his nose was inches away from mine, trying to intimidate me. He didn’t know what he was doing.
“I think we should go.” I told him. “Let her go, come on.”
He grabbed my shirt forcefully and twisted it. Laughter filled the room again but this time it was directed at me.
“You don’t like it? You can leave.” He sneered at me and I was pushed to the door.
“Dude come on, leave her alone!” I looked over at the bed as she was still struggling to get free. “Guys!” I was yelling now. “Stop!”
He unlocked the door and pushed me through it. The door slammed in my face and their laughter was muffled. My knees buckled, and the room started to get fuzzy. Was I going to pass out? No. I was just drunk- I was just buzzed. What were they doing? It wasn’t funny anymore. None of it was funny. I let my hands guide me against the wall as I stumbled down the dark hallway.
I started to run.
I flung open the door to the main room and pushed through everyone dancing.
“Hey! Where are you going?” Yelled one of the girl’s friends as I raced by her.
I didn’t stop.
I was out the door, and halfway down the street before my pace finally slowed down.
I stopped.
A cold breeze hit my sweaty skin as I stood still in the middle of the road.
What were they thinking?
My mind was racing a million miles an hour. I didn’t think they would take it that far. This was crazy. It was funny in the beginning and it had always been a joke, nothing more than that. It was a joke! It never used to be like this in high school. It would have never gone this far. Sure, I had joked around and catcalled some girls, but it was all for fun and they knew that… Right?
My palms were clammy and my ears started ringing. I turned around and looked at the house glowing with multicolored lights extruding from the windows.
Is this growing up?
Is realizing that you’ve taken things too far the point where everything makes sense? If this was growing up I wanted nothing to do with it.
I wanted to go back.
Weeks passed and I stopped talking to Michael. The last thing I wanted to do was associate myself with him. Sometimes I would see the girl, but I wouldn’t let us make eye contact. I didn’t think I could bring myself to look into her eyes when I knew what had happened that night. She would be smiling with her friends but I knew the pain of that night would stay with her forever. I wished I had stopped it, but I couldn’t have. I was part of it.
During Thanksgiving break I went home to my family. Mom, Dad, and Eva greeted me with happy open arms. I was so glad to be home. I needed a break.
“Adam come here!” Demanded Eva.
“You’ve gotten twice as bossy since I’ve been home, you little drama queen.” I tickled her and she fell on her side with laughter.
“Look,” She smiled as she pointed at a book tucked under the coffee table. “My book!”
I reached under the coffee table to reveal the old butterfly book Mom bought her last May. She scooted closer to me as I opened the colorful book. I flipped through the pages and pointed out the caterpillar.
“Caterpillar!” She exclaimed.
“What?” I looked down at her in shock “No Eva, remember?” She looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes, still innocent as ever. “Don’t you remember you used to call this pilla.”
“Adam!” She giggled. “That a caterpillar.” She traced the furry worm with her pointer finger that was now painted in hot pink.
“I finished teaching her how to say caterpillar because I remember how much it annoyed you Adam!” Mom said coming out of the kitchen, overhearing our conversation. “Little Eva’s not so little, is she now?” Mom bent down and stroked Eva’s hair as she continued to trace the caterpillar.
I couldn’t believe it.
“No!” I stood up.
“Adam… What’s wrong baby?” Mom asked me, confused.
“It’s pilla. It’s not caterpillar, it’s pilla. Why would you teach her that?” My face got red as my mind raced. I didn’t want her to grow up.
“Honey, she’s a little older now.” She looked at me with a sorry smile. “She’s growing up.”
I turned around and ran upstairs. She didn’t know what she was doing. Eva needed to enjoy all of her time being a silly, innocent, little baby girl. Growing up so fast was not what it seemed. I knew that. The thought of freedom, college, the party, and the girl made me sick to my stomach. It’s what I had wanted, so that’s what I got.
I should have listened.
I should have waited.
I should have let her call it pilla.